A Healthy Dose of Anal Masochism
This article is a lightly-edited summary of our interview with Sara Carvey, MA, LPC.
Sara Carvey is an experienced therapist and noted ally to anally-oriented women. She shares with us her thoughts on a delicate topic: anal masochism.
The problem is that some women who need to hear this might tune it out before even learning about it, she says. The stereotype is that a woman who wants anal masochism is, by definition, a masochist. And that something is wrong with her. Carvey says that’s not a productive way to put it, and it would be like saying someone who visits a restaurant and orders a lemonade is a “lemonade-ist.” She wants us to understand that while masochists exist—and by the way there’s nothing wrong with that—ordinary women have a wealth of fantasies and needs. Those needs can include a healthy dose of anal masochism.
ONLY EATING CAKE
Women these days are getting more anal stimulation than ever. They’re wearing anal plugs at work, at the park, at the gym, and so on. They’re getting pleasurable anal sensations and “pleasure begets pleasure.” Anal masturbation, anal vibrators, rimming, and more are on the rise.
For many women, the discomfort of wearing large anal plugs as they go about their day is enough to cut through the pleasure being overly sweet. They’re already getting pleasure mixed with discomfort. The squirming and the challenge of it all offer a different flavor than just one note of pleasure. But some women start to long for more. Their bodies want the full spectrum, which means at least some extreme discomfort or pain as a way to reset.
CASE STUDIES
Carvey recalls her first patient that brought up the subject. Most of her sessions were about her stressful work environment and how to cope with it. Then the patient admitted to having a sexual encounter with a woman she met online. “She was deeply embarrassed about it,” Carvey explains. “She thought the whole thing meant something was wrong with her.”
She had sex chatted with the woman online, saying that after a stressful week at work, she wished someone would fuck her ass. Brutally. Something that hard to get through would definitely make her forget all her other troubles. Apparently the woman she was talking to was experienced in exactly that and offered to do it. So they did.
The patient said that the woman removed her plug (which she wore regularly at work) and choose an appropriately sized dildo for the reaming. One significantly bigger than the plug, and with many hard bumps and textures to it. The procedure was to endure 60 seconds of hard ass fucking with the dildo, then rest for 30 seconds. Then repeat 19 more times. The full session was 30 minutes. The patient said her mind was completely melted and her body exhausted by the end. She also confessed that she had gone back every Friday for the last three weeks.
This patient had never talked about anything of the sort before. And the rest of her sexual activities were much more normal. But this weekly session was highly cathartic for her—she needed it. Carvey says her role as a therapist was to show the patient how much she got out of this once-per-week activity, and help her be happy for it. There’s no victim here and everyone seems better off for it, as surprising as that may be to some.
Another patient was a woman who talked to Carvey about urges to cheat on her husband. She talked about having a “seeking urge” where she couldn’t help but look through men’s profiles on sex sites, itching for her next hookup. One solution would be to do it with the blessing of the husband, but this husband was not ok with that idea. He was ok with her seeing a woman, but the patient was not craving women.
Carvy believed this patient felt something missing in her sex life. By the sound of it, she was getting plenty of pleasure from her husband, so was it another part of the spectrum she was unconsciously seeking? Carvey thought it was a long-shot, but recalled the anal masochism the other patient experienced. She asked what this patient thought of submitting to something like that once per week. And to stay within the husband’s rules, if she would submit to a woman doing it. The patient was shocked, but after a long silence, she said she was interested in trying it.
Carvey explains that as a therapist, she does not perform these kinds of services herself. But she can put patients in touch with resources, such as local lesbian bars, with experts willing to do the job. The patient followed up with these suggestions, and within two weeks had found a woman willing to do the sessions.
“The patient never mentioned cheating on her husband again,” Carvey says. The patient did not develop any kind of romantic or even sexual relationship with her anal masochist that went beyond that act. They continued to meet weekly, the patient would endure the very difficult stretching sessions, then go home happy. Her “seeking behavior” seemed turned off. She never sought out any other type of pain or masochism in sex, either, but she sometimes thought all week about her next anal masochism session.
ROSIE THE RIVETER
Carvey says it’s hard to talk about the subject of anal masochism without mentioning Rosie the Riveter.
Rosie the Riveter is just an alias she goes by, not her real name. (It’s inspired by the famous World War II poster.) Rosie is not one of Sara Carvey’s patients, though they have run in the same circles. They work in the same city, and Rosie became active a few years into Carvey’s career. “As a therapist, I work with the patient’s mind, but there’s a professional line I cannot cross when it comes to any physical needs. But Rosie can fill those needs,” says Carvey. “Fill them real well.”
Carvey has met Rosie and even got her blessing for this interview, though she still doesn’t know her true identity. Carvey says Rosie has taught her a lot, and has been the best source of information about female anal masochism. “It’s not exactly something I can look up in the therapy handbook or read a textbook about,” says Carvey. “But Rosie knows firsthand, so-to-speak, what women get out of it.”
Carvey says it’s not the best analogy, when it comes to drug users, you really want them to have clean needles. Regardless of if you want them to stop using drugs, or if you don’t care if they stop; either way it makes sense to ensure they have access to clean needles. Why? Because they will do it anyway, so they might as well avoid disease. For women seeking out a healthy does of anal masochism, whether they “should” or not is beside the point (and they should, says Carvey!), but what’s certain is we don’t want them damaged. We want them to be completely safe and sane and walk away no worse for the wear. That’s where Rosie comes in.
Rosie is stern, rough, and demanding. She fists women’s assholes vigorously and only works with those who have trained enough to take it. She doesn’t just stick to light flexing inside. Instead, she works them up to fast, hard fucking motions with her fist, going at least halfway to her elbow. When women squeal and scream, she keeps going. They learn to just take it and that it’s not going to stop unless they say the safeword. So many partners would be too timid to be as thorough as Rosie, or too careless to ensure as well as she does that no damage is happening.
Rosie does an excellent job, and that’s why word has gotten out. In Sara Carvey’s circles, women hear about Rosie and where to go to try to meet her. Carvey says that Rosie has been a valuable resource to everyone. Many women (who are not otherwise masochistic at all) have found lots of fulfillment through weekly doses of her difficult sessions, and Carvey has gotten insight into the psychology of it all.
Carvey says that Rosie’s “patrons” are getting a deep craving taken care of. Something they can’t vocalize or explain, but that they need on a primal level. Almost all of them wear anal plugs frequently, but there’s something much different about the roughness of Rosie’s fist plunging into their assholes—repeatedly—until they learn to hang open for the session, at which point Rosie switches to punch-fisting them. Getting through that resets the mind, and gives the body a baseline of pain and discomfort that makes pleasure and orgasms later feel that much better.
We think there’s a lot of territory there ripe for more research. For now, Rosie has a strong grasp of the kind of anal masochism most women need. “It’s too bad we may never know her true identity,” says Carvey.